Lately I've been feeling a little lost in transition - a bittersweet season of complexity and growth.
It’s often I get caught up in the ideas of what I want my life to be, especially in the midst of change. I am surrounded by the voices of role models, mentors, and elders who inflict expectations upon me; influenced by the written word - books, quotes, and media telling me how to live better, more creatively, and freely; shaped through filtered vision -- fabricated images creating unrealistic expectations and standards of living — all which were curated by someone other than myself.
These ideas get in my head - they transform themselves into what I believe to be true and attainable -- a battle I believe every human being goes through. Artists, writers, and entrepreneurs; go-getters, doers, and daydreamers; all fighting these feelings of invasion. I know I’m not alone in this feeling of not quite being where I want to be, but it gnaws at me every day. It steals bits and pieces of my joy, moments of rest and stillness, causing my mind to feel crowded and loud.
The conversations I have with myself buzz in my head. Imagery and writing, constantly flashing before my eyes, wreaking havoc on my thoughts. Overwhelmed by the constant chaos, my mind becomes a mess, a place I can no longer grasp, a place I no longer feel safe in. I've lost my sense of connection and control.
I seek solace when my mind gets loud like this. When it shouts at me and corrupts my flow of thought. Nothing feels still, and I look for ways out.
I begin to lose myself in this process. I love myself less and less. I begin to believe there is no room for grace and forgiveness, as they increasingly become far and foreign to me.
"You can do better than this," it says, "You will be better than this."
But can we ever just be? Can we just be without constantly having to be better?
Can we exist in this space, accept the phase of change, and be good enough right where we are?
Can we allow space for grace and forgiveness, and continue to love ourselves in the process?